I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my life. It seems that there are so many other woman that are in the same boat as me...some are more intense then mine, though regardless of the true reason why it all happens...its all so very hard on the soul.
I met this man almost 2 years ago. I met him in a chatroom. I had a few girlfriends that I would chat with in there that made me laugh. Then there he was. My marriege at the time wasnt broken or destroyed. It wasn't in the best of terms, but it wasn't horrible. I was a lil lonely with his busy bee schedule at work and my busy bee schedule with the kids, friends, and other duties that were on my plate. Anyways, I met him. We just chatted as friends. Making each other laugh. I knew he was married from the beginning and he new the same from me. He knew that I had children as well as he did. I knew that he wasnt happy at all in his marriage. Right away I should have lost touch with him, but I chose to talk to him to assure him that everything was going to be okay. My weakness always being there for people in time of crises. Though its a wondeful characteristic, but it can backfire on you. It did. After two weeks of talking with him casually, still nothing remotely sexual. He told me that he was falling in love with you. Honestly, my heart skipped a beat. I knew that I didnt love him, but I cared about him. I know that he needed me. To listen, to encourage, to inspire him. It felt nice knowing that I was needed in that manner. Well soon, I started to think that I had feelings for him. Maybe it wasnt even attraction or desire, it was the fact that he needed me....I was in love with that.
After a month of this relationship, I told my husband that I had met someone online and that I thought that I cared about him. It was eating me up inside. I knew that I owed my husband the respect to tell him. Well I decided to discontinue the relationship. My husband was 100% understanding and confessed that maybe he wasnt there for me and allowed he to love him like I felt I needed to and that he didnt love me back the way he needed too.
This man that I met. He's a wondeful man. He's a wonderful father. I know that he's from a not so great childhood. As well as me, my father worked all the time and wasnt home much..so a mans attention is so important to me. He has been to Iraq and that alone can have a man broke and depressed. He needed me to help him and I wanted to.
I found this sight and read every letter that was sent in. I started to think about why I did what I did and why he cant let me go. Why he feels so lost with out me if he hasnt heard from me in a week or so. I feel him needing me. I feel is depression. I feel him...I dont know if this makes anysense?!?!
I knew from the beginning that he wasnt going to leave his children for me. Deep down I knew that there could never be a US! I just have become someone new in my own skin. He has taught me to be free, alive, confident, and feel that I can do anything. I know he has changed too. He told me that he's not the same man he used to be, because he found me. He feels restored, confident, alive, strong, he feels like superman. I know its because I have always been available when he needed me. Whether it be to listen, to uplift him, to inspire him, to believe in him, being his best friend, someone that builds him up in every area of his life, wheter he needed me sexually...I know he needs that from me. I can't call. Only by email can I communicate to him. He does all the ing.
I read that last email that was sent here about how these men may say that they love you but deep down they truely respect their wives more. Hell I respect her more then myself at this time. I can't even phathom that he may not truely love me........it hurts, but is it the truth??!?! Does he love that I can he here for him when he's stressed, down, overwhelmed, anger, confused?!?!?! Does he come to me because he LOVES the comfort that I give him. I know that he releases through me. I dont want to sit here and type as if he's a ASS. I know his heart. I feel that I truely know him more then anyone. He has shared his fears, his dreams, is eveything. I'm humbled by this.
My husband has been more then understanding. He has done everything to keep me happy. I think deep down inside he knows that I might still be talking to this other man. I can't hurt my husband anymore. I can't take care of this other man anymore. I can't justify things anymore. I have cut all from him. I haven't emailed him. I haven't returned his texts. He wants to call me tomorrow. I know that I can't answer when he calls....and it kills me. I cant be here for him and that kills me!! Does this all sound so silly?!?!
Throughout this entire affair deep down I have always thought about is wife. I'm not saying this to make me look like the one not at fault. I'm a FAULT! We are both at fault. Honestly, I love him. I truely do. His happiness is so important to me. I care about his well being. So I have never been strong enough to not let him go. I have tried many times, but never been strong enough to tell him that I can't take care of him anymore and be here for him like he needs me too. At this point. The thought of not communicating with him makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so sad. I'm broken. I'm not happy as he is. I'm tired. I want to be happy. I owe my husband so much. He's such a great man, and he deserves to be loved by a woman that he can call only his own....he doesnt deserve this. I don't blame my husband. I blame myself.
If you are reading this and can relate. I'm trying to realize that I can be forgiven. That I'm not a horrible person. I know what is right and so do you. Deep down hidden under all the passion, desire, love, wounds...we ALL know what is right.
If we truely love these men that we are involved in...and there isnt one cell in my being that doesnt beleive that to be true. We will let them go. We will let them turn to their wives for comfort, love, encourage, inspiration, passion, love making. We have to help them to open up to their wives and communicate to them as they do with us.
If we truely love ourselves. We have to let them go and be strong. We have to love our own husbands. Take care of them, and be there for them in times of crises. We have to let our husbands make us feel worthy, beautiful, young, alive, and sexy!
Loving two men isnt possible Im finding. I dont feel that we were created to have a heart that loves to men wholeheartedly.... I will walk away from this relationship with no regreats...I have grown from this. I appriciate the lil things in life. I feel that I have helped him do the same.
I pray what ever level or stage you may be in that you look deep down and rethink your descions that may follow you in the future. I could never JUDGE or look down on anyone of you. We are human and we make descions that might not have been made....we cant take back the past, nor would be really want to, what has happened is what it is. Just learn from it. Grow from it. Be strong from, and stand clear from it!!!!!!!